"Beauty and affliction are the only two things that can pierce our hearts." - Simone Weil
This weekend was one of 'breaking' for me. Our youth pastor spent a last month preaching & teaching on barriers in our community; how to identify them, and how/why to cross them. The first and most relevant barrier that comes to mind for me is a physical barrier in my community. I live in a gated community with guards at the entrance & walls surrounding it. They only let in the residents, and visitors who know to which address they are headed, who have to leave I.D. at the gate. The majority of the residents have two-story houses and two cars parked outside. There is a private park and a gardening staff. Two blocks west from my neighborhood is the city's stadium. The stadium marks the beginning of an area called 'el campo', a less-developed part of town; most residents live in corrugated metal two-room homes, dirt floors. There's overcrowding and abundance of single-parent families without steady employment.
So this weekend I decided to take my dog for a walk in 'their' community. The kids came up to me asking questions about the dog and trying to sell me mangos or peanuts (which they sell in and around the stadium). They assume that my dog bites and that I want my mangoes drenched with salt and lime, and ask if I'm going to the concert in the stadium that evening, because as far as they know, they're not.
So I invited Stefanie, the oldest of the gals who was selling, to come over and help me do some light cleaning, and to chat a bit. She is thirteen years old and currently not in school because the public school has suspended classes. There is only enough money for one teacher per grade, and her grade has 92 students. She said that the teacher has to choose half of the students who will stay in school and the other half ill have to wait until another teacher (and a bigger budget) can be found. She is already planning on being in the 'waiting' half of students, it only makes sense since she is from 'el campo' and already a few grades behind where she should be.
As we are chatting & hanging out laundry, she tells me that they do laundry on tuesdays and fridays because those are the days that they have water. The rest of the week they have to haul water from a central spigot. She tells me that her favorite food are beans - it doesn't matter if they're black, red, or white - she loves them. She tells me that sometimes she doesn't eat her food because her mom tells her she's a pig and eats too much, so she decides to prove her mom wrong. Then as we are sweeping and mopping, she shares that her dad and mom fight a lot and use bad words and now her 11-year-old sister uses them too. She is fascinated by my pet bunny, Manchas. She tells me that she had a bunny once - a white one - and it even had babies, but that they all died. My guess is that they died of a parasite or infection from the water source in the neighborhood, or maybe from lack of food.
So the purpose of the 'crash cleaning' was to make the house presentable for a friend of Kevin's, a gal who works as a news anchor that they'd invited to emcee the Christian concert happening later that night in the stadium. She's very well-known here in Guate, her name is Susana Morazan. We invited her to come over for a while before the concert. Stefanie was still at the house, and we introduced her to Susana. Stefanie had no idea who she was but no one seemed to really care. We took some time to talk and share, all the while Stefanie petting the bunny or helping me to serve coffee. From there, we went to the concert and had a great time, worshipping and jumping and praising the Lord in the stadium.
The next morning, as I'm coming in from walking the dog, I round the corner nearest to our house and see Stefanie sitting on my steps. My first thought is: 'how did she get past the guards?' but I do not voice it. No need to grow the barrier that already separates us. She left a bag at the house and stopped by to pick it up. However she didn't just come to pick something up. I gave her the bag and thought maybe she'd head off. But she stayed... literally following me around the house as I put away dishes, filled the washer, and fed the pets... chatting the whole time like we had done the day before. I experienced a mix of many feelings - surprise at her lack of ability to realize I was busy, amazement at her ability to not stop talking, sadness that she was not in school like she should be, discomfort that she followed me all over the house (probably even into the bathroom if I had tried!), and lastly, JOY, that she had sought me out and felt I could be a trusted friend. I had begun to realize over the weekend that Stefanie has absolutely no emotional support at home; something I could offer her.
In Sunday School we also heard the testimony of a woman (also from 'el campo') that is recovering from an alcohol addiction, she has 2 kids, and one is predisposed to alcoholism because she drank heavily through her pregnancy and his first years of life. She is searching for work which is hard because everyone around her knows her past, and she's not sure what to do about being in an abusive relationship. She told her story in about 30 minutes, but they were 30 minutes of barely stopping to breathe between words, a disorganized jumble of scars and fears and prejudices and abuse mixed up in words and tears. The Sunday School class ended with a question: "What can we do for Melodia and her family in this situation? How can we help to break down the barriers that society has built around her?"
I recently visited a few families living in 'el campo' as well, with some Canadian visitors that came to the center. We went to Stefanie's house, and to Daniel's house - Daniel's mom is a single-parent and constantly in search of work. Both families have at least 5 kids living inside of a two-room home. Daniel's family has a microwave but they can't afford electricity, so instead they use it as a storage area for food so the flies don't get to it. Their entryway/kitchen was filled with trash & piles of dirty clothes & broken furniture. Daniel didn't start school until second grade, now he is a 6th-grader. The local outreach center worked with him in reading, writing, and math so he would be accepted into the appropriate grade for his age. Since that year, Daniel has been valedictorian of his class. Last year he collected and sold firewood in order to buy the required shirt & tie for his end-of-the-year celebration. He also participated and won a nationwide chess tournament last year. He wants to be a business owner and chess professional when he grows up. Daniel lives on the other side of 'the wall'. However it's ironic, that he fits the profile of the kids in 'my' neighborhood. That is, until you get to know him and the challenges that he is up against; there is a lot less in his favor. Society has built many walls, to keep him out of my neighborhood. The reality is that there are many barriers between him and his dreams.
So these stories give you an idea of the way this month has been going. Each story brought to my attention the barriers that divide us. Each experience was challenging me to cross yet another barrier in my community. And each one was exhausting and difficult to face. Yet I wanted to share with you the ways in which God is assaulting me this month with both beauty and affliction:
"...Traditional Lenten observance, following Christ into the wilderness, emphasizes relinquishment. Following the One who emptied himself, we give up a familiar pleasure or comfort for forty days until Easter. Alcohol and meat are standbys, but these days it might be Facebook or Xbox360. Maybe with less clutter we'll detox a bit and have a few more moments reaching toward God in prayer and reflection.
That much will do. We all could use a little more simplicity, and a little more spiritual connection. Especially for those of us who are activists, Lent proves worthwhile for re-centering and renewal.
However, If Weil is right, a desert experience of the soul holds the possibility for a shift of entirely different magnitude - tearing open the human heart. There is no preparation possible; the assault of affliction or of beauty is upon us before we can collect ourselves. We are practiced in the skill of averting our gaze, distracting ourselves, of forcibly resisting. We jam fingers in the dike. We're ready for joy only in trickles, and anguish not at all.
Allow yourself contact with either the rawness of the natural world, or the unguarded human condition. You will likely find it "outside" - either outdoors, or with social outsiders. You may need to go out of your way. Or it already may be in your normal way, but require unusual attention.
Formation in Reflection and Discernment
In our Street Psalms Daily Prayer we affirm: "There is nowhere we can flee your presence and nothing can separate us from your love. God, we accept your invitation to relax into this miracle - to notice and to welcome your presence in all things, everywhere, even here, even now." The empty spaces of Lent make vivid the sense of "nowhere to flee." What simple and unadorned beauty might you see this week? Are you open to it breaking you? " **
**Excerpts borrowed from The Street Psalms 'Meal from Below' weekly publication.
... The rawness, the 'outsideness' of such experiences is tearing my heart wide open. And I'm still in the process of figuring out how to respond... What I do know is that not responding, averting my gaze, ignoring these assaults upon my heart... that would be wrong.
<>< Kim
